For everyone out there that has talked to me in the past 3 weeks. I just want to say I am alright so there is no need to worry. I wouldn’t be able to make this post otherwise. I really contemplated not writing this one for a while now actually. This is not something I would usually talk about at any given time in regards to myself but maybe this could be beneficial for others.
Depressive Contradictive Nature
A lot has happened the day after my contest. A lot in which I will not go into detail because those parts of my life I choose to keep off of social media for the time being. But in layman’s terms it was enough in which a lot of my advancements mentally and emotionally began to really degrade itself. That and having a lot more extra time on my hands post contest since I didn’t have to cook, grocery shop as often as well as only train 5-6 days a week versus training 14 times a week. Which led my mind back into that dark realm of the storm I’ve managed to create for myself years ago. Which is actually why I started this blog posting finally. It gave me something to cling onto as the waves continued to crash in my head over the past 3 weeks. It gave me some type of control over myself by being able to put something out there. Usually the gym is my go to place for these types of issues but when you’re coming off of Prep and you’re trying to dial back due to the extreme you were just at for your body to come back to normal. That probably means I’m only in the gym for 45 minutes which is a very small portion of my day. Which no this was not me trying to avoid my thoughts and run from it, this was me waiting for the storm to cease and having patience with it.
Every dark thought that I have managed to have in the past started to resurface. This time how ever I refused to open my mouth about it. Usually given time if I can’t manage it properly I will try to talk it out with someone I trust. Which is a great way to express yourself because all too many times people refuse to talk and that when things tend to get worse. The animosity one feels being a stray not because people won’t listen but because they don’t talk and they feel as though people won’t listen or understand them. But in reality it isn’t about whether they understand you completely or not. Because your mind is your mind alone. The fact they want to listen and they are there for you is all that matters. For myself I have a list of people that are always telling me they are there to listen if I ever need them. So why didn’t I talk? Because in all honesty I’m so sick and tired of these thoughts that I know are not true. They’re true to me only because I’m capable of manipulating my mind to find it to be logical even though outside looking in they are absolutely not logical! Every time I’ve decided to open my mouth when I have these moment I feel like I might just be looking for confirmation that I’m not crazy. Because deep down I can’t validate the fact my brain is doing ok for myself. Now there is a time and place for this. There is a time and place when enough is enough and talking it out or re validating you’re not crazy is essential and important. Never ever forget that. Because that is something that can save you from you. I for one have been dealing with this notion for almost 10 years now. I have been wanting to beat this for so long and the methods in which I use seem to have a consistent vicious circle of hell that I always come back too.
Enter the Sadman I mean Sandman
For 2 weeks I shut my mouth and dealt with myself. Let’s just say I haven’t slept longer than 6 and a half hours a night in the past two weeks and I was averaging 5 hours a night on a normal day. Partial reason of this too though was due to the fact I had dropped half of my sleeping supplements I was using for my contest to get restful sleep. Lack of sleep during that period of time cause a lot of water retention which I couldn’t be having that close to my contest. My thoughts weren’t busy as they have been in recent years this time it felt really internal. Like my body wanted to quit due to the feelings and thoughts that I would now feel as though I believed rather than just thought. I forced myself to follow my macros accordingly and wrote out my training block to ensure I had structure in my day. I told myself to keep posting on Instagram constantly because I couldn’t afford to lose traction regardless if I wanted to feel introverted or not. Part of my job is to be extroverted which has been a great tool for me as it has become a switch at this point. Whether I wanted to or not I could always flip that switch. But when you haven’t been sleeping and you’re still exhausted from previous months that switch becomes rather short. Bodily exhaustion, mental exhaustion, exasperated and feeling like crap tend to be a bad concoction when you’re dealing with internal dilemmas.
Breaking Bad? or Just Breaking
One thing I have learned in life to be true no matter what. Is when all hell breaks lose and when there seems to be no end in sight. Life is only getting worse and you’re half a inch away from breaking. Life lets up a little, it lets you resurface for a pint of air and gives you a choice. Not a chance but a choice. A choice to continue your own hell or to waiver. Here is the trickiest most conniving thing about life. If you waiver after the hell chances are the hell will find it’s way back. Over and over again. If you choose the road less followed and continue to choose hell. Hell doesn’t become hell anymore the perception flips and what seemed like hell becomes your best friend and your greatest asset. It’s the same reason I’m writing this. I didn’t beat my hell I chose to accept it. I chose to accept the fact I can either see this as hell or see this as an opportunity for me to grow as a person. I can I choose to believe my thoughts to be true to me but to know outwardly they are not reality. My truth to me is for me but that doesn’t mean I cant alter that perception and prove it to be false. This is where it gets tricky. The best way I can say it is, I can accept me for me now lets prove that wrong and start doing rather than pondering. No I don’t need validation from others to convince myself of this being wrong I need validation from me. That is why I spent the past two weeks being quiet about my dilemma. I needed to accept it for myself and find a way how I was going to fix this. No this is not something I recommend for anyone honestly. I can do this now because I know my personality and who I am as a person. I’m stubborn as shit and never want help alright then we are going to do that and it is going to suck every single minute but you know what? That’s the shit I enjoy. How else do you think I can do a contest prep without a coach? Because unfortunately that is just how my personality is set up. That is why I don’t recommend this method to anyone. I recommend you figure out yourself and reverse engineer it back to this. Once you really truly understand you then you can go about your methods of crushing the things you want to crush in your life. Whether that be from a mental aspect of a material aspect.
Understanding the Blue Nature after a Contest
In reality I probably should make a second blog post specifically on this topic but it ties in nicely with the above. What people don’t always realize is how empty life feels after a contest. Whether you got first or whether you got last. You spent a grave amount of time and a maximal amount of energy doing a contest prep. To step on stage for yourself and have pride in your work as a person. But when that ends what is next? The amount of free time you now don’t have to prep all your food constantly. You aren’t dying and starving every 3 hours. You don’t have to do cardio every day. Your time in the gym went from 2 hours to 45 minutes. This is where a lot of competitors gain their rebound. I for one have done this in the past too. This causes competitors to over indulge to fill that void at times and makes them feel worse for losing all their hard work whether they realize it or not at the beginning. This is where it gets important to keep a goal in mind after a contest. Aiming for something based off your personality will depict how your life will be post contest. Some individuals have the patience and can set a marker for 3 years down the line. Some people need something in the next few months. Whether thats continuing onto another contest, specifying exactly how much weight you are going to gain on a bulk, going into powerlifting, or vie versa going into a bodybuilding show, aiming to just get your lifts up, something and or anything. The moment you lose sight is when you stop caring and shit goes out the window. You might still feel the void of it all but at least you have a plan and you are in control of you.
What is next? Barrel Rolling it
So what does that entail for me? I am going hard and going to compete in Worlds with the WNBF in NY November 16th. Is this the smartest thing to do. Hell no. I really should take the next two years bulking hard. But my gut is taking me in this direction. Why? Well one I have been meaning to visit NY for a long time now and my cousin lives up there. Two my dad lives in Michigan and wants to watch one of my shows sine he hasn’t been able to really be there for the past 2 decades. Three I finally have confidence I can lose the fat. Four It will be a hell of an experience meeting other competitors around the world coming to this event. I will get to see what the elite looks like and stand on stage with them. Lastly because I have a very fuck it mentality that needs to try ridiculous things for fun. Right now I have 4 more weeks of just trying to gain muscle which is 0 time in my opinion before my gradual slow descend into a 24 week prep. Aiming to lose .8lb per week Incorporating a diet break every 4th or 8th week for the entire week. Training will stand relative to what It is now and calories will be manipulated for the most part. Ima kick it here for now I have been typing for 2 hours straight and im quite content with this post. Until next time you guys! Peace.
Steven Personius 